Who You Callin' "Cupcake"?!

Well, my sweet bud Paul has gone home, and taken his "hose" with him. *sigh*
We had a great time, and he'll be missed. Except for his buffalo-baying snores. And his practical jokes. And his annoying habit of using cutsie "pet names" for me that so don't "fit".
I mean, do I look like a "Cupcake"? Hell, I wouldn't even make for a decent "Muffin".
I suppose if I had to equate myself with a pastry, I think I'd be a "Titan Tart", or ....Oooo! A "Crepe Suzette"!

Anyway...I've known Paul forever, and I love him to death, but he knows that shit twists my panties.
"Would you quit callin' me "Cupcake"?!"
"Suuuuure, "Babycakes!"
Handsome turd.

Did I mention he's a practical joker?
Paul has had a set of keys to every house I've ever owned. He would pick up my mail and feed my critters for me when I went out of town for jobs or vacation. Nice, huh?
He would also rearrange furniture in my house, and I'm not talkin' 'bout a rug or end table. I'd come home to find my bedroom and living room totally switched. Or, he might just settle for doing the same thing to all of my kitchen cabinets and drawers.
Once, I came home to find all of my patio furniture on top of the covered porch roof.
Handsome fireman turd. With a really nice "hose". Only thing that saved him.

He didn't have an opportunity to move any furniture while he was here. I was with him most of the time. But just a bit ago, I climbed into bed to "surf" the net for a while and found:
1) an apple and a single, latex glove-note attached, ("guess what I used that for"), under one pillow.
2) my glo-in-the-dark dildo, illuminated by the porch light, behind one of the sheer curtains.
3) a banana, peeking from the fake fern atop my armoire.
and
4) a pillowcase full of pepperment cellophanes and gum wrappers.
Cute.

Oh, and he called me "Cupcake" when he pulled outta tha driveway.
"Lub yoooooou, "Cupcake"!!"

How long ya' think it'll take him to figure out the putrid smell coming from somewhere in his truck is a half-eaten egg salad sammich? With cheese.

I'm yer "Cupcake", alright.

I lub you toooo.