I'd Slap Myself, But That Shit Hurts

I went to Walmart during peek hours. Yes, I'm an idjit.

I jockied my way through, grabbed my stuff, and headed for the check-out lanes, all of which were as long as John Holmes' "johnson". (Google "old porn stars if you're not trackin' me.)
The lines were moving as slo as molasses in January, and the completion of "War and Peace" was a distinct possibility.

I picked one and, found myself behind a woman with two kids; boy, about 5, and girl, about 4. (Readers...just a warning...if you have no children, NEVER have them that close together. You're just askin' for a 'script for Valium!)

My second idjit move was staying in line behind these people. Those children were like monkeys on crack. "Momma" wasn't much better at behaving in public.

"Mommie, can I have candy?I want some tater chips.What's THAT?"*slap lil sister*
"Don't slap your sister!"
"I want IN the buggy!Take me OUT of the buggy!"
"Momma" complies.
"I have ta go potty." Runs to flag display and proceeds to pull out ALL of the lil flags and throw them on the floor. "What are THESE?"
"Flags, Matthew. Don't throw them on the floor! Pick them up!"
"Sister" stands UP in the SEAT PART of the buggy.
"Maggie! Sit down!"
"Noooooooooo! I want OUT of the buggy!"
"Momma" complies.
"Sit still Maggie. Stop that Matthew!!!"....about a DOZEN FUKKIN TIMES.

I could visualize cartoon smoke spewing from my ears.

I know its called "public" for a reason, but dayyyyyyum. Now I know why I've become so anti-social. "Public" doesn't know how to BE social.

I wanted to snatch Matthew up by his hair, swat his ass, and HISS into his precious lil ear, "If you don't stand the fuck STILL and mind your manners, I WILL stuff you into that change counting machine over there. YOU "trackin'", ya lil SHIT?!"

THEN, I wanted to snatch "Momma" up, and give her a few lessons in child rearing when in PUBLIC.

Neither of my children would EVER pull that shit after the age of 3. They KNEW! Retaliation will be swift, and result in a stingin' rear end.
Yea, yea....I "abused" my children.
MY ACHIN' ASS.
Physical punishment was administered for GROSS (or life-threatening), misbehavior.
Ex: Break away from my grasp in a parking lot, near a street? Ass whippin'.

I'd also swat a behind for not following directions.
Tell me, "no"???? You MUST be kidding. I'm fixin' ta show you, "YES!"

Act up in a restaurant, grocery store? Time to go! Leave the buggy, or pay for what was on the table, and OUT WE GOOOO!
"You will NOT act like that. That is UNEXCEPTABLE behavior."

I also used "time-outs"...frequently.
Kiddo won't stay put? Show 'em HOW. Hold 'em down. THIS is "you WILL sit here for 3 minutes."

Folks, I can COUNT the times that I administered "corporal" punishments to my children, and I don't regret a single one.
I believe the key is CONSISTANCY, with any punishment. Correct EVERY, SINGLE TIME and they will "get it".

Chose the complacent, easy way out, and you end up with heathens that perfect strangers want to throttle.

Maybe I'm just gettin' cranky in my old age. I dunno. But, I don't wonder why I prefer to work UNDER WATER.